Regan and Terry on their wedding day.
Terry Farmer passed away on Friday February 1, 2008 at the age of 37. He was my little sister Regan’s husband, and he was family. Two years ago he was diagnosed with melanoma. It was terrifying, but there was hope; medical trials, research breakthroughs, surgeries to remove vital organs, and ultimately, near lethal doses of chemotherapy. In between all this, there was a wedding to consider.
He and Regan had been together for 16 years. In fact, I try to remember a time when Terry wasn’t there at family gatherings in Pittsburgh and I can’t. He simply slipped into our raucous house of four loudly opinionated girls and quietly made himself at home. It was comfortable, like family should be. He was our first brother. And he was just right.
But it was only a few months before the terrible news of his illness that he bought a ring and proposed. Regan and Terry moved at their own pace. We were all excited about their wedding, bugging her about her plans, her dress, her “big day.”
It turned out much different. Small, after work one night in a park, with only a few witnesses, and a stirring minister who was somehow perfect for the bittersweet occasion of marrying a couple facing mortality. And of course, there was Logan, Regan and Terry’s dog. He had to be there. You see, Terry loved dogs.
Regan, Terry, and Logan discuss the ceremony with the minister.
Regan has dozens of stories of Terry’s amazing connections with dogs. At age three he was the only one who could tame his grandfather’s fierce German Shepherd, spending hours in the yard with him even though his allergies would swell his face and eyes. Later, while courting Regan, he’d sleep in an easy chair after dinner with our Wirehaired Dachshund, Rhett. Rhett was a little old man at the time who really only cuddled with my mother, until Terry showed up. Terry was a gentle soul and dogs clearly knew it.
Logan at home.
Then there is the story Melissa Demark told us at Terry’s memorial last week. Melissa is Dr. Kirkwood’s physician’s assistant. Dr. Kirkwood was Terry’s oncologist. Melissa attended the service and approached our two families to offer condolences. We were moved by her generosity and her wonderful words about Terry’s fight. Then Regan asked, “So, did you get a dog yet?” They both burst into laughter and tears as we all stood there, curious and confused. I even thought Regan just wanted to change the subject, that talking about Terry was too painful. But then they explained.
It seems several months ago, Melissa had married and she told Terry that she and her husband were buying a house. He told her she needed to get a dog. Not that they “should” get a dog, that they ‘”needed” to get a dog, like it was as fundamental as insurance or a hot water heater. He was adamant. He even chose the make and model — a black Lab.
Then, three weeks ago, the threads of hope that were holding Terry and Regan together started to give way. Suddenly, somehow, there were no more options for him. His fight was ending. One night he was rushed to the emergency room, half paralyzed and barely able to speak. Regan was organizing hospice care to bring him home when Melissa called her on her cell phone to check in.
“It’s Melissa calling,” Regan told Terry. “Did she get a dog yet?!” Terry asked. He could barely form the words. “Tell her she needs to get a dog!” he ordered. Regan, incredulous, relayed the messaged. Melissa was stunned, but she promised him she would do it.
Sadly, Terry never made it home to the hospice bed Regan was having delivered so he could at least pass back through their doorway and greet Logan and their 4 crazy cats. He quietly slipped into the next world a few nights later.
At the memorial, after hearing this story, I looked at his friends and family, especially his father who looks so much like him, all laughing and crying that Terry’s final request was about someone else’s happiness. That in that moment, he saw with brutal clarity what is important in life, joy. It is a heartbreakingly beautiful testament to the man Terry was, kind, sweet, loving, and beloved. Rest in peace, Terry. We miss you.
Terry on his wedding night.
Regan has established a memorial for Terry with the ASPCA. A donation to this organization can be made in his name.
